Dreams that shatter illusions

Reflection...

Dreams that shatter illusions…                    

I am not very certain if it was a dream or a sub-conscious thought, because I am not very sure that I was actually sleeping or awake or in trance. I saw myself crying, I was with his friend. His friend telling me, why are you crying, he is getting married to someone else and it was certain to happen. I don’t remember that he ever promised you marriage, and, remember when you asked him if he will marry you; he said he needs to think about it. After that did he ever tell you that he is planning to marry you….or he looks at the relationship that way??

I, suddenly, stop crying. It made me wonder how reasonable and correct every word that his friend said was. I seemed to be in a logical fallacy. I woke up and had a sleepless night for a company, with, all those instances where I thought he mentioned marriage, but, a review made me realize that it was merely the need of the moment that the reference should be made and his friend was right that he never explicitly mentioned marriage.

Clarity is the most important virtue for me. Whatever his friend said in the dream gave me clarity, it was also an omen. He is going to get married in the future, to someone else, and he would not be wrong in doing that because all he has admitted of is his love towards me. Like most of the things, he has his own definition of love. Love to him is the feeling that ‘I like your company, that I like to talk to you…I can be myself with you’. It is like that between us.

I have started giving a social form to our relationship, and hence was assuming marriage as the logical conclusion, which I do not know is fair or not. I need to think over that too. We have always shared a beautiful relationship…the scope of which is beyond words, and, no one else than both of us in this whole wide world can understand or even think of what we share. The difference that has crept in is that, first our relationship was like a virgin beach…no defined boundaries…no burden of definitions, everything was allowed. Everything is still allowed, but more than allowed it is now expected. No one is to be put at blame for this.

He is and was always important for me, but, now I have started seeing a future with him, a life with him. A life where he is the husband and I am the wife, we have children and do all that a husband-wife are supposed to do together. That is causing all the tension inside me and outside. I can’t say if we would get married in the future, only time can tell that. In the present, this is the most desired relationship of my life. I love the way I am treated here. I love to be with him. I love to love him.

There is a difference between dreams and illusions, dreams leave you when you are awaken from sleep and illusions follow you in dreams too. Needless to say, the latter is more dangerous form of the former.

Looking for a title - from 2009

Looking for a title - from 2009

The window slammed open followed by strong wind, and, rain entering into the room, as if there was a fight going on between the window and the rain. The rain had finally won it.  Such heavy rains in Delhi was an event, everyone had a view about it. Some thought it would be a respite from the soaring temperature, whereas others thought it would make commuting more difficult. But, Delhi, as a city doesn’t have a taste for enjoying rain. Everyone has a view.

The door of the house opened with a creaking noise, as if, warning of someone’s arrival.  Apra entered. She soon discovered the spoils of the fight between the window and the rain. At moments when people would be filled with rage or at least disappointment or frustration, Apra did not even blink. She did the requisite cleaning, changed and made herself a cup of tea.

While sipping the tea she looked out of the window, children playing in muddy water, the radio was playing in the background. Apra never thought much, but, when she thought, she thought intensely. It was then difficult for her to come out of those thoughts.

Apra worked with a fortnightly magazine. She had been on the same job since she left home, seven years back.  The only difference being that she is one of the competent employees now, she joined as an office assistant. She lived alone in the city, except for a few very good friends and coworkers, Apra only talked to the neighbors. She was never an introvert, but in the last few years, the kind of person that she has become, not many people find it easy and favorable to talk to her.

There was a knock on the door. Apra opened the door to find Amma. Amma lived in the second house down the street; she dropped in while coming back from the market to see Apra. She would again n again come up with the topic of Apra’s marriage and how a woman was incomplete without getting married and things like that. Apra just listened.

Like most days, Apra was carrying home a feature that required editing. She finished her dinner early everyday and liked to work before she slept. That made her feel worth breathing.

Apra closed her eyes and was fast asleep or maybe she was awake, may be somewhere in the between. Apra dreamt or thought of the same incident that took place 11 years back. The same morning, the same road, Apra, on the road; and the next thing that she remembers is the faces of her family members, her mother crying and all that sympathy. Apra pushed herself to consciousness.

She was now sitting on the bed, thinking of all the things that had followed that day and the next few days. Apra remembered people saying that it was better if God took away a life than taking away a limb and other people trying to sympathize with her by saying that she was still complete without her left hand. The irony was that they did not fail to mention what she was ‘complete’ without.

Apra had lost her left hand in the road mishap. She was 14 then.

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